So torn....so confused.... :'(
11:27 p.m. September 20, 2002
ok, like my 4th entry for the day:
I'm at the worst valley in my life. Nothing is going they way things were supposed to go....my faith is hanging by a thread, my friends are wonderful...but they are miles away right now, and all i want to do is just go drink with ali and liz. And that totally goes against everything that i said, and believed. I am so torn. I just want to have fun, girls night in, relax and have margaritas and mudslides. Not causing anyone harm, not getting wasted, just having a bit of fun. But there i was last year, hell, even 2 weeks ago, preaching that you don't have to drink to have a good time, and that i was going to obey God's Law by obeying man's which is not to drink before 21. But i did drink before 21. Christmas and weddings etc. I don't know, maybe it is the rebel in me that just wants to go and do something WRONG. And KNOW it. Just go and...and...be BAD. Almost just to let people down. Let them know that i don't give a shit what THEIR expectations are. SO WHAT IF I LET YOU DOWN? Will you think less of me if i drink? Honestly. Will that change the way you think of me? will you look at me and say that isn't the same girl i once knew? I'll never let myself get out of control. I swear to that. i will not get drunk every weekend. But i AM in college, and dang it, whey SHOULDN"T i experience the college life? i went an entire year without any alcohol at "the #1 party school in the nation" thankyouverymuch. I went through the entire basketball season without one drop of liquor. If that doesn't hold to your high expectations...i don't know what will. I had wine with ali that saturday night i felt that my life changed forever and nothing would ever be the same. Not much. Enough to "take the edge off" DO YOU THINK LESS OF ME NOW???????? :'( Who am i talking to? you, God, you, you? Who? Because i am a normal college student? I'm so confused. I don't know who i'm letting down more. Me, God, you, you? All of you. I'm so confused. I'm so torn.
"I know you didn't leave me here to drown...so why am i 10 feet under and upside down? Barely suviving has become my purpose, cuz i'm so used to living underneath the surface. If i could just see you, everything would be alright....." Please....show me.......
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"I am my father's daughter. I am not afraid of anything"
Forever in My Heart
Dale B. Spencer
1952-2005
My Angel
~*~Chloe~*~
2000-2005
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