Long entry...it happens when it is 5:30 in the AM
5:11 a.m. Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003
all i really feel i can say after tonight, is what in the bloody hell? I know you will not screw me over. I believe that you love me too much for that...yet please...i can't handle this kind of stress again.
IF you choose to go that path, please let me know so i can find other arrangments. Preferably before oh....march. If it happens this year, i will freak...absolutely freak.
and i know that i am being selfish right now, but i am also thinking of you and while i think that yes, you could do it with no problem...my pessimistic/realist mind are coming up with many, many bad situations.
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Just be my friend dammit
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sometimes i just wonder what in the fuck is the matter with me. I really do. Maybe im not smart enough, or funny enough or i like the wrong music or the wrong movies...or i'm just not conventionally beautiful...
but then i realize that if that is what i'm being judged on, i don't want that for me. I do'nt want to be looked at negatively. I want to be looked at as a woman who:
is intelligent
loves music...of all kinds...from Radiohead to Bill Evans. From John Williams to Ben Folds. To Vivaldi to Boyz II Men and other old skool fun :)
Is unconventionally beautiful. Is happy (more or less) with the way she looks and does not try to have blonde hair and blue eyes and walk around in skimpy clothes. Sometimes, i feel as beautiful in jeans and a tshirt than i do when i dress up to go out
Loves to eat with chopsticks
Could watch movies all day and be beyond content. And i'll watch almost any kind of movie. Harvey to Stigmata. Punch Drunk Love to Gladiator. American Beauty to Donny Darko. I love movies.
Sings loudly when she drives
Has emotional attachments to stupid things/people
over analytical (maybe because i'm a woman...maybe because i'm an english major...or maybe because i'm both)
Laughs too loud...and doesn't care!
Loves to smile
hates feet
wants to learn how to play an upright bass
loves geeks/nerds/dorks
enjoys a good cry
understands that sometimes there is nothing better than a bubble bath
thinks hugs are one of the greatest things ever...and loves to give them
is self critical...in an endearing way ;)
is scared shitless to be in the "real world"
So yes...i want to be seen for what i am...in reality. not what society says i should be.
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back to another topic...i need more guy friends.
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WHOLE different change:
You know what i think should be "in"? Kissing people. Just when you greet them. that continental european kiss on the cheek greeting. I think it is so classy. I don't know why. I saw laine today and maybe it is because she is so "theatrical" but i wasn't weirded out. And I enjoy it when Robert kisses me bye after choir. I just feel s...stupidly refined. hahaha..and i guess it is because i see it in the movies or whatever. and i just wish that more people kissed upon greetings. Just "hi" *air kiss* "how are you?"
Maybe i'm just crazy. But i enjoy them. Very..."classy"
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So...in summary:
I want next year to kick ass...and i do not want to be alone
I want to be seen as a wonderful woman
I want to start kissing people hello and goodbye, but i dont' want to weird people out....God knows i've already done enough damage with that.
God i'm screwed up.
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"I am my father's daughter. I am not afraid of anything"
Forever in My Heart
Dale B. Spencer
1952-2005
My Angel
~*~Chloe~*~
2000-2005
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