Contemplations after a Wonderful few Days
12:51 a.m. Monday, Dec. 06, 2004
this weekend has been so amazing.
i feel like i ahve found myself in ways i never thought possible. I have found myself as such a confused woman. I heard what i needed to, from many different people in many different ways. Truth, while it can hurt, is spectacular.
i knew this year woudl be difficult, but no idea how much i would grow. And the inevitable change that comes with growth can hurt; it is often more painful than expected, but the final product is more beautiful than imagined.
I feel like love pours from me. I often feel as though it is unanswered. I often feel as if i am alone. I know i know better. I worry often, about things that i have visualized in my own head. about worse case scenarios. About the ultimate pessimistic achievement. but the other side of my brain comes back from its hibernation and slaps me to reality.
i know i am loved. I am loved in every way i wish to be. I am often confused. I am often frustrated. I am often stressed. I am often stupid. But i am never unloved...and i never stop loving.
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I saw some amazing movies this weekend:
Thursday-Sideways
Friday-Garden State
Saturday-none
Sunday-Closer
I adored each one and for unique reasons in each. I found myself incredibly moved by the narratives, the score, the acting, the lighting. Perhaps i'm a sap. Who knows.
I am quite exhausted now...and my bed waits for me. Alone with my covers, i will wait until the morning to start the same routine that i love and loathe. Somehow, the semester is over. How has it been this long? How has it been almost 5 months since i made my last new friend? I mean, good friend. Who surprises me every day and has helped me through such rough times i cannot even put them into words.
how have 15 weeks of class flown by? how is it time for christmas shopping? how is it time for anything? How is it NOT SNOWING?!
I fear isolationism may be my only salvation this week. I have much to do, and as always no time to do it in. However, i have taken a "forget regret" mentality, a mantra if you will. i, in fact, do not regret "wasting" this weekend, esp. seeing how i have made about 100 flash cards (with detailed notes on the back) for my test that is on THURSDAY. (yes, i rule).
Did you ever wonder if your eyes would just dry out?
have i mentioned before how much i love my bed? how my bed is my home. It sounds stupid, but really...it is where i am happiest.
I miss kevin. i wish he were home now. only a few weeks...well about a month or so till i get to see him. But the trade off? rae will leave.
europe seems so far away, and so imminent. needless to say, graduation does as well. i don't want to be alone. i'm so scared. And i'm so ready at the same time.
home awaits me. bon soir. I cannot express how much i love you all.
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"I am my father's daughter. I am not afraid of anything"
Forever in My Heart
Dale B. Spencer
1952-2005
My Angel
~*~Chloe~*~
2000-2005
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