Scared to Grow Up
12:39 p.m. Sunday, Apr. 25, 2004
i was reading thru a bunch of friend's older entries, and mine..because i hate seperating laundry and i hate even more cleaning it. I mean, really. If i had the money, i'd just keep buying new clothes when the ones i had got too dirty to wear anymore. Ah well.
Anyway, i've noticed how almost every summer i weep about going back home to greenfield. to the muck that is. To the boredom that is. Where everything closes at 10pm and cops "persecute" us college kids. ;) I went out to the Bluebird last night with sally, jamie, jessie and kristin. It was ok, but it was far too crowded and i just wasn't in the best of moods, so i left. I hope they don't feel like i hate them, because i swear i dont!!
it dawned on me for the first time today that i wont be going home. That i won't be packing up all of my belongings and driving back north. that...for the first time ever, i won't be living in the old spencer house with my dog and my sisters and my parents (who wouldn't be at the house the whole time this summer, but still) and the alarms and what not. That i'll have been away from home for over a year. That i'll have been living in Btown for about 20 months or so...and then what? then i graduate! What is this world coming to? I'm not old enough to be looking for a "real" job in the "real" world am i? I feel like i just moved in to Forest yesterday. That my parents and i just got done putting stuff in my room and ali came walking thru the door. Oh gosh..have i really spent 8 months living in willkie with these amazing people? Have i known rae for 20? Seems like longer...yet at the same time, seems like it was just yesterday that we were sitting in her single in forest watching the superbowl and throwing birthday surprises with trash bags and donut cakes.
*sigh*
Life moves by too fast. and me, in my very odd way of thinking, i hate going into something that i don't know what to expect. Examples? I didn't want to be a supervisor at work because i was just fine with being in the groove of a "student". I was content with my responsibilities and pay. but even as i went thru the process of being interviewed and what not, i knew that i'd get it. i dont mean to sound...conceited..i just knew. But when mark and jim offered it to me..i almost said no. I pretty much did say that i'd need time...the time took about 5 seconds. And it was the money. The raise was too good to pass up. (good thing too, because the lack of meal points this semester has cuased a lack in money...along with other things like alcohol and dvds and all the things i don't need, but splurge on). But last night, i really didnt want to go to the bar because i didn't know what to expect. I just..didn't know, and it makes me very apprehensive. I'm glad that i'm the kind of person who can overcome her fear (eventually) and live life...but i hate that i just don't jump into it full force like so many people it seems can. Basically, it took me about 2 years to go to a "real" party at college. hmm.
basically, i have no idea where this entry is heading/headed but i do know that i'm very excited to be staying in bloomington...i'm growing up. how scary.
new information has just been passed my way. And i must say, i'm equally jealous and excited. :) Weeeeee.
also, on an entirely diff. note. Maybe some people aren't what they claim to be. maybe they're petrified. Maybe they havne't. or maybe....maybe. Maybe they see me and think...oh yeah. (shut up). All i want is just ...someone with whom i can connect. :)
End transmission.
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"I am my father's daughter. I am not afraid of anything"
Forever in My Heart
Dale B. Spencer
1952-2005
My Angel
~*~Chloe~*~
2000-2005
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