pontifications on males
4:14 a.m. Tuesday, Sept. 23, 2003
oh, gracious GOD i hurt.
note to self: find drugs. don't go to bed without taking advil so that you are not up at hmm, 4:16 writing in a diary to put you back to sleep....of course, i could always read for class. boo.
I finished the first book of paradise lost yesterday. it was actually quite beautiful. I had to read it out loud though, and i'm sure that if my life is a movie (as i'm sure it will be. ha.) this may be one of those scenes that the audience watches and says...dear God, what is she doing? is she reading outLOUD? And..is she getting into it? and the answer is yes.
my legs have been absolutely killing me lately. and i don't know if it is just one of those things, or if i'm going insane or what. all i know is that they hurt and i want to take an axe to my bellybutton and let the bottom half of me just collapse right now.
oh, yes. one of my students quit today. am i really that awful? ;) actually, i think i have a pretty good idea of why she quit, but i'm nervous about who will replace her. If anyone...i mean, 8 in the morning to noon is a shitty shift, and it takes a LOT to give up no classes till 2:30 to take it....or no classes till 12:20 to take it. so...if anyone is reading this and works at willkie...and you don't have classes on monday/wednesdays till a little later..please take this shift! we all know i'm the best supervisor anyway.
so just kidding.
i actually have issues with this whole supervisor thing. Opening is cool because i feel like i am actually DOING something. But on other shifts, i feel like i'm just a big loser who is doing nothing. I feel so lazy. But i'm not! I give everyone their breaks, i keep track of it. i do my job, but i guess i just feel as though my job does not consist of doing a lot.
I felt like i did more as a student.
ANd i think that in some respects, i'm so screwed up it isn't even funny. I think i try to hard and then i'm always backpeddling. peddeling. damn...it's early/late. But yeah. i feel like i have things under control and then i go one step too far. and it crashes and BURNS.
***Random topic switch***
I think that i have romantic ADD.
no, really. I have, in the past 3 weeks, gone from really really really liking a guy to losing all interest 2 1/2 times. Started off very nicely with volleyball games. Then decided that nope, don't care. Then went with more vball fun. then figured it was too much hassle. now i'm afraid i'm in the process of "getting over" someone that i don't know if i want to get over. even though i'm sure if i saw this certain person in person, i'd just grin like a fool.
if you know me at all, you would know that i'm quite the flirt. and that is so cool. and i'm all about guys who will flirt back. i like that. it really makes my self confidence boost up. And i think that is what i miss about high school. My guy friends that i could flirt with. And i just don't have that here. But maybe i'm finding them. But it has gotten to the point where it's been over a year since ethan and i broke up....and pretty much, it has been that long since any male interest. actually it has been that long. and that is depressing. I mean, on a campus full of gorgeous women, i'm sure the "typical" guy would rather be with them than me...but i think i'm pretty damn fun to be with. Besides, i don't really know if i am looking for a "boyfriend" really. (even though that is what my profile says.) I don't have the bleeding TIME for a boyfriend.
I want a guy who enjoys my company...finds me attractive...and will just hang out with me. cuddle. watch a movie. maaaaaaaaaaybe go out to see one or a play or something. I want a guy who is interested in me for me, for my personality, my quirky sense of humour, my brittish wannabes (see "u" in humor), my love of movies, the desire to go to france, the love of literature...yet is different from some of that stuff. I don't know if i could be with someone who loves all the same movies and likes all the same music (but God knows, music HAS to be important to this guy...........i cannot deal with the neutral stance to music again). I don't know...i guess right now, i'm just looking for a cuddle buddy.
My tummy still hurts. I'm tempted to go to vp and get some serious drugs.
this entry is crazy long.
so anyway, let's continue. I am worried though that with this potential "cuddle buddy" i will loose all interest in about a month. and then what? just say, ok...joe smith, it's been a great month, but can we just chill out from now on? it really isn't you, it IS me...and i guess i'm insane. even if i told him within the first HOUR i saw him that i have the potential to loose interest quickly, would our relationship change? Would we never speak agian? would it be too weird to just be friends after been "cuddle buddies"? OR
would i fall for him? would i realize that i DO want a boyfriend...even though i have not the time for one? Would i try? would he not want a girlfriend? But then, supposing the boyfriend/girlfriend feelings are mutual, would i lose interest quickly? or would i be in another year and a half long relationship and have my heart broken again?
damn...these early hours provide for serious contemplation, no?
I'm going to read now i suppose.
Bon soir....bonjour whatever.
Sign the book. I could really use some male imput on this..
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"I am my father's daughter. I am not afraid of anything"
Forever in My Heart
Dale B. Spencer
1952-2005
My Angel
~*~Chloe~*~
2000-2005
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